SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots
by Skillet-Writer
Summary: Come read racy oneshots of your favorite sea creatures in any underwater situation imaginable. Rated T for suggestive material, which may not be suitable for younger readers. Examples: lovemaking, cursing, etc. — STAY TUNED FOR FUTURE SMUT! — I ALSO LOVE REVIEWS, SO PLEASE DROP BY AND LEAVE ONE! — (R.I.P Stephen Hillenburg)
1. Leaky Pores

**Sometimes I express my creativity in different ways. Writing laughable stories is one of those ways. When I need to let my thoughts just flow, I type up fiction of my favorite cartoons. Often I feel guilty for writing "inappropriate" stories revolving around my favorite characters due to my faith/religion. I've recognized that we all have our flaws and our ways of dealing with ourselves. If I write, I must write what pleases me. My deepest apologies to anyone offended by the "sexual nature" of my stories. I'm maturing everyday and sometimes I just can't help myself. Again, pardon me if you are offended by any of my works.**

* * *

SpongeBob SquarePants listened intently to two customers at a table in the corner of the Krusty Krab. They were fish who were chatting in seductive tones, faces flushed, and fins locked in intimacy.

SpongeBob knew eavesdropping was wrong, but he practically couldn't help himself. These spring vibes were flowing through his veins. His libido was getting stronger with every day of spring and it was driving him to do foolish things.

"Oh, Nancy," a greenish-brown, unspecified breed of fish in dark, buckled trousers cooed warmly.

"Oh, Fredrick," a grey minnow in a white bob and lime green dress gushed.

"Nancy, _spring is in the air_." He slowly let go of her fins, rubbing his neck with his empty fin in shyness. "Spawning is becoming less taboo each day. We should do just that before spring is over. Y'know, catch up with the schools of salmon headed west and just _let it all out_."

Nancy, flustered, batted her eyelashes suggestively. "Spawning would be _nice_ , yes."

SpongeBob's mind wasn't focused on the dirty window he was wiping with an old, brown rag. He was secretly leaning towards the table of the two flirting customers. The yellow fellow's heart was beating quicker with every step he took towards the fish. At the risk of being caught, he turned his head away and continued to polish the glass frame.

Seconds later, the two customers dumped the leftover bits of their Krabby Patties into a trashcan and shared a kiss before they left. SpongeBob frowned in disappointment, and brought his hands up to his hold his head in anger. That's when he felt the sweat that was trickling from his pores. His cheeks were also noticeably warm. Was he... aroused by those fish's conversation? _Perhaps._

Freaked out by his own biology, the porous creature bolted out of the main room and into Mr. Krabs' office.

"Mr. Krabs, _Sir_!" SpongeBob cried panicked as he ran up to his boss' desk. "I'm having issues again. _Personal_ issues!" He swiped his fingers along the edge of one of his upper pores, rolling its sticky excrement between said fingers.

The red crustacean laughed heartily before answering his worried employee. "SpongeBob, me boy, ya' know why yer feeling this way, don't ya'?"

"Sorry, Sir, but not really. It's been really hard for me. I can't stop doing what you could call _inappropriate things_ ever since spring came around." He looked down ashamed.

"It be a normal thing, laddie. Spring is the season where all of us sea creatures go into heat." This received a blank stare from SpongeBob. "Y'know, long to reproduce." Another expressionless gaze. "Make babies, SpongeBob!" Mr. Krabs shouted. " _Make babies_!"

 _Outside the office..._

Squidward could not believe what he was hearing Mr. Krabs shout at SpongeBob. The thoughts that surfaced his mind were too much to bear. He gasped inaudibly before quickly hurling into the cashier boat.

 _Back inside the office..._

The blue-eyed sponge bit his lip in pure embarrassment. Sure, many a time SpongeBob found himself gawking at anemones on television or stalking Squidward while he showered, and his pores leaking as a result. Never, however, had he once thought that this arousal was connected with the desire to reproduce.

"Ah, I remember when I was yer age, boy," Mr. Krabs began, keeping his head down as he silently counted a stack of bright green dollar bills. SpongeBob pulled up a chair to listen to his boss' story. "I was a brave, young crab. Never scared to do the impossible! I banded together a group of tough, young pirates like meself. The rules were simple: _always stick together and never be afraid to try something new_.

"One day, during the early spring, me and me mateys were feeling a little funny, if ya' know what I mean, SpongeBob. For our group, popularity was, well... _popularity_! If ya' could attract more mates than any other member, you got to serve a high rank. We held battles in front of ladyfish to see if they'd swoon, and whoever they swooned over got to make eggs with em'. I, meself, had one gal in particular I liked. She'd meet me every evening behind a bush.

"Good times," Mr. Krabs sighed, nostalgia rushing through him from every blood vessel, vein and artery, drowning his heart with waves of distant memories. "Why the _barnacles_ did those good times have to leave me so soon?" The crustacean looked up from his money to converse with his fry cook when he noticed something alarming.

 _SpongeBob's pores were flooding._

* * *

 **And there you go! That was "Leaky Pores". In case you didn't already know, the two flirting customers are actual characters from the show. The only difference is that they don't interact lovingly throughout canon.**

 **So... Why was I inspired to write this? Well, it is spring of 2018 after all! Animals around the world are reproducing at rapid speeds and I could only imagine how SpongeBob would feel if he was surrounded by fish who spoke of spawning. Ah, spawning. That leads us to my next inspiration. A while back I searched "SpongeBob spawning fanfics" with no relevant results. Nowhere could I find a SpongeBob SquarePants story mentioning the fish of Bikini Bottom's sexual biology. So I wrote "Leaky Pores" for those who have wanted to read the same thing as I have longed to read.**

 **Remember, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself!**

 **Good day, and may God bless you!**


	2. Each Other

**Hello, fishes and friends! I'm back with more stories. This story is a little harsh in its dialogue, as you will soon discover for yourself. As usual, I'll tell you what inspired me to write this one-shot after you read the story. Or if you're really that nosy, just scroll to the bottom of this page. Anyway, this one-shot is called "Each Other", as you will soon find out why. You're in for a rough ride! Brace yourself, because Squidward really lets SpongeBob have it! (P.S: Sorry about all the italics; I couldn't help myself.)**

* * *

SpongeBob knelt by his bedside as tears streamed down his yellow face. Pressing it into the mattress he emitted a depressed groan. He wasn't feeling up to going to work today. He couldn't. That's where Squidward would be.

 _Squidward..._

That grey-blue octopus, always on edge and cold-hearted, had been SpongeBob's everything. His source of joy, his comfort, his _idol_... And now he was nothing less than an enemy.

What had happened for such a change, you might ask? It all started yesterday, a somewhat average Sunday. SpongeBob and Patrick were blowing bubbles in front of a furnished Easter Island Head, disturbing it's inhabiter. Squidward swung open his front door and approached the creatures.

"SpongeBob! Patrick! Why must you always ruin my weekend?" He shouted, his voice sounding more distressed than angry. What appeared to be tears streaked down his face. The sea sponge and sea star didn't seem to take notice of it.

"We're sorry, Squiddy!" the porous boy exclaimed, blowing a juicy bubble towards the unfortunate octopus. It popped directly in his eyes.

Squidward screamed bloody murder as the bubble solution made contact with his large peepers. He pressed his sticky tentacles to his face, which did nothing to ease the pain. Visible tears poured from his red eyes. "Robert, you son of a bivalve! Why must you always cause me such pain?!"

The absorbent creature leaned into Patrick's arms as he stuttered, "S-s-squidward, it w-was an accident! I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I-" He was cut off by his best friend who was caressing him protectively.

"Yeah, Squidward! SpongeBob's sorry that you're a meanie. Maybe..uh..people would like you if were never born," the starfish stated harshly and unintelligently, further angering his grumpy neighbor. He felt SpongeBob shake nervously beneath his tight grip.

"I lost my grandmother today," Squidward sobbed. "I always wanted to please her, and be the perfect grandson. I guess I never made her dreams come true. Maybe you're right, Patrick." Tears were falling freely from his eyes. "I just still can't believe I lost her..."

SpongeBob sounded uneasy and concerned, and he pressed deeper into Patrick's chest. "Don't worry, Squidward. We'll help you find your grandma!"

Squidward Tentacles lost all humanity at that point. He brought his tentacles down from his burning pupils, clenching them tightly beside his hip. The veins were throbbing in his forehead, his nose flaring and teeth chattering. You could practically see steam emit from his ears as his face reddened to the shade of a tomato. Through his anger you could see depression, and needless to say it was taking a toll on his life. And then he took SpongeBob from Patrick's grip, and looked the young man in his blue, fear-laden eyes to say...

 _"I wish you were dead."_

And it was at that moment SpongeBob realized he truly was hated by Squidward. He always had been, but he never could bring himself to believe it. He'd laugh it off, or assure himself that Squidward was just teasing. Only this time, he couldn't. The octopus's words struck him like a hammer to a window pane, and his heart shattered.

So now here SpongeBob was, crying into his bed, understanding the depression that his neighbor was going through. Except this time the sponge wasn't crying in an over-dramatic, whiny tone or flooding the house with his own tears. He was sounding genuinely upset. More than any other time he could think of besides the day Gary left him and the day he was fired because of a nickel. _And it hurt._ It hurt enough for him to take a day off working at his favorite restaurant in the ocean, or serving up smiles, or adding a cup of love to every meal. Because today he had no smiles serve, and no more love to add. _He was fresh out!_

The sobbing continued until SpongeBob was just as much out of tears as he was smiles and love. He looked up. It was noon. Not that it mattered. The sponge wasn't hungry. However, a familiar _"meow"_ caught his attention and reminded him that he wasn't the only one with a mouth that needed feeding.

"Just give me second, Gary. Can't you see I'm upset?"

The blue snail hissed without giving a thought to his owner's suffering. He hadn't been fed at all last night or today, and a hungry Gary was an angry Gary. He tugged at the corner of SpongeBob's white briefs, urging him to get up from where he knelt beside his bed.

The sponge reluctantly stood up, legs wobbly, head dizzy, and body unstable. His face was pale and worn, his nose was puffy and snotty, and his eyes were red and swollen. He glared angrily at his pet snail. All SpongeBob was asking for was a little time to mourn. Turns out he'd been mourning all night, but it wasn't like the yellow fellow to keep track of time, especially when he was feeling so down in the dumps.

SpongeBob reluctantly made his way down the blue stairs leading to the first floor of his pineapple house. He sulkily trudged into the kitchen, opened a cabinet and snatched the first can of _Snailpo_ he laid eyes on. Opening the can proved difficult. The depressed young man smashed the can into Gary's bowl in a fit of rage, spilling its chunky, meaty contents.

" _There_ , Gerald! Your food is ready, now get to eating it," Spongebob shouted, arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. "I'm headed back upstairs, so _DON'T YOU DARE_ bother me about another damn thing." And with that, he turned on his heel and left the room.

Upstairs, SpongeBob received a phone call. The ringing of the shell had aggravated him easily. He had picked up the phone with the intent to scare off the caller, but it was not until he heard the voice on the other end of the line that he loosened up; it was his best friend calling to check on him.

"Hey, SpongeBob? I haven't seen you around and Mr. Krabs told me to tell you to go to work or else you get burned or something."

"Fired, Patrick. _Fired_... Anyway, after what happened yesterday I can't bring myself to go to work. I really can't, Pat. _'You-Know-Who'_ will be there and I can't risk having a run-in with him."

"Larry?"

"No, Patrick! It's SQUIDWARD! _For Neptune's sake_ , it's Squidward, Squidward, Squidward! That barnacle-mouthed cephalopod who wishes...I was..."

...

"SpongeBob? SpongeBob?! Oh, _tartar sauce! ROBERT?!"_

"Yes, Patrick?"

"I like you, SpongeBob! I don't want you to be sad. Why, Squidward's just a dumb ol' barnacle. We don't need him to be happy. We just... We just need... Fishpaste! What's the word again?"

 _"Each other,"_ the porous creature said gently, his words dripping with honey. He was on his bed, shellphone to his ear hole, and covers tightly wrapped around his cubical shape.

A warmth now hugged his heart. He had a true friend who would never leave him. A best friend who loved him as much as he loved himself. Perhaps now that he thought about it, SpongeBob could move on and forget all about his desire for Squidward's appreciation. He already had true appreciation from his starfish friend, anyway. Patrick looked up to him, and he looked up to Patrick. They always had each other's backs. There they were again, those words: _each other_. They were always comforting and trustworthy.

 _Never hating you; never wishing you were dead..._

* * *

 **Aw, wasn't that sweet? Semi-sweet? I'll let you decide. Also, did anybody catch that hilarious wording? No? Here, allow me to point it out: "Turns out he'd been** _ **mourning all night**_ **, but it wasn't like the yellow fellow to keep track of time, especially when he was feeling so down in the dumps." I didn't even realize it myself til' I reread it.**

 **So... my inspiration for writing such a depressing fanfiction? Well, one day I was watching a SpongeBob SquarePants episode, and seeing the spongey boy gush over Squidward like that got me thinking. What if SpongeBob finally took the hint that Squidward was not interested? And boom! This story was conceived.**

 **Remember, you can always talk to me if you're feeling depressed! I'm here for you :) and God bless!**


	3. Pickle

**Greetings! It's me, Skilly. I'm back after nearly a month. Why a month, you ask? There's really no reason other than not feeling up to writing. But the wait will definitely be worth it. I present to you a fanfiction that is slightly mature in its content.**

 **Overall Warnings:**

 **[Offensive] Cursing**

 **Lewd Acts**

 **Individual Warnings:**

 **Multiple implied uses of the word f*ggot.**

 **One actual use of the word f*g.**

 **One use of the word an*s.**

 **One use of the word f***ing.**

 **One use of the word bullsh*t.**

 **One relatively mild depiction of m*sturb*tion.**

 **One undefined lewd scene between two characters.**

 **Disclaimer: None of the cursing is meant to offend. I do not discriminate against anyone. I am only allowing some of the characters to have a discriminatory attitude towards homosexuals because that's how this plot line goes.**

* * *

 _"Do me, Squidward. I'm.. I'm ready..."_

 _"Don't mind if I do."_

 _"You think Mr. Krabs will find out?"_

 _"Not at all. He'd never check the freezer."_

 _"Well, if that's the case, stick one up me."_

 _"Are you sure it won't hurt?"_

 _"Positive. I'm a sponge, remember?"_

 _"Alright, here it goes."_

 _"Oh, yes... m-more please.."_

 _"I'm trying."_

 _"M-m-merciful Neptune! Th-this is amazing, Squiddy."_

 _"Shrimp, you're right!"_

 _"Squiddy, I'm.. I'm gonna-"_

"SpongeBob SquarePants, what do you think you're doing?!" the disgusted voice of a certain greyish-blue cephalopod startled and ultimately embarrassed the yellow sponge as said sponge quickly tried to hide his Krusty Krab play-set and tube of suggestive "mayonnaise" from view. It was too late, for Squidward had already seen- and heard -what SpongeBob was doing.

"Squidward, it's not what it looks like. I swear!" The abashed sponge frantically tried to come up with a good lie. The disturbed glare from his coworker was not making it any easier than it already was. "I... Well, I... What I mean is..." He hung his head in pure shame. "Fishpaste."

"I'd report you to Krabs any other day for wasting my valuable time, but this.. this is different." Squidward's face was slowly tainting pink. "One, this is indescribably embarrassing. And two, our boss could never believe _'sweet, innocent SpongeBob'_ would do something so.. so _risqué_!" He leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, crossing his arms. He was visibly flustered. "I almost can't believe it, myself!"

SpongeBob's face was glowing bright red. He adjusted his employee hat and slowly got back to working the grill. He tried to avoid Squidward's gaze, but the octopus kept staring at him. It became too much. He started sniffling.

"So... you really like me this much, huh?"

The yellow fellow looked up eagerly, wiping his teary eyes. "Oh, most definitely Squidward!" He let his spatula clatter to the floor without a care as he ran over to the one he adored, gripping at his caramel-colored polo. "That's one thing I could _never_ lie about." His smile was proud, his teeth glimmering.

Squidward shook him off angrily. "SpongeBob, get away from me!" He tossed SpongeBob into a sack of moldy, greenish potatoes.

SpongeBob shakily managed to pull himself up off of the now flat and oozing green potato sack. "But Squidward, I love you."

"I know you do, and that's why you need to get away from me, you rainbow-worshipping pansy!"

SpongeBob approached Squidward, his flushed face frowning and arms drooping. "But Squiddy, I'm not like that. Me and Patrick are close, sure... but it's not a romantic kinda thing. _Me and you_ , on the other hand..."

"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward suddenly exclaimed in a high-pitched shriek, startling SpongeBob. "This f-...fa-... _daffodil_ you call an employee is harassing me!" The fuming octopus ran out of the kitchen, through the main room, and into his boss' office.

"Eugene!" Squidward said breathing heavily. He ran up to his boss, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Listen to me- now I gotta tell you- SpongeBob is a literal fag, and he's harassing me- _Harassing_ me! And wasting time! And not taking orders!" The octopus' eyes were bloodshot.

"Calm down, Mister Squidward. Calm down," Mr. Krabs insisted, looking a bit confused. "I haven't the foggiest idea what you mean. Isn't he carryin' out his usual shenan _er_ gans?" He sat up straight in his chair, and set his stacks of dollar bills to the side of his desk.

Squidward shook his head. "Mr. Krabs, if I told you what I saw SpongeBob doing, you'd probably never believe me!" He sighed angrily at the thought of being took for a liar.

"Oh, come on, Squidward. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can't be that bad. Here, come over and whisper it in me ear."

"I... um..." The antsy cephalopod looked unsure. "O-okay. Just promise me you won't take me for a liar?" He approached his boss, leaned over to his ear, and whispered lowly the event that had taken place mere minutes ago.

Mr. Krabs gasped. "OUT!" he ordered, startling Squidward. "I've enough of your bullshit, Mr. Tentacles! Me best fry cook would never in Davy Jones' Locker do something as disgusting as what you've just described. You ain't no ordinary aspiring artist, you're a _con_ artist!" He got up from his seat in a fit of rage and tossed Squidward out the office door. "And don't come back til' you clean up your act, ya' fabulist!"

Squidward hit the ground with a disruptive thud. Customers around him gave him the side eye. He wasn't a very popular employee here at the Krusty Krab. The six-limbed creature sat up, rubbing his head in pain. "I'll show that Krabs! I'll catch SpongeBob in the act."

 _Later that day..._

Squidward perked up when he heard moans coming from the kitchen. He observed SpongeBob through the window that was located directly behind the cashier boat.

The yellow menace was butt naked on the kitchen floor with a pickle up his most private pore. He was shoving it into his tight anus, yellow hands gripping the vegetable firmly, face contorting with every thrust. "Oh, Squidward," he cried out, "yes!"

Squidward gasped, his eyes widening in disbelief. This was a whole new level of disgusting. He tried to look away, but the act displayed before him was intriguing. Slowly, the octopus' tentacle was making it's way between his legs.

"Neptune!" Squidward cried when he realized what he was doing. No, it couldn't' be. ...Could it? Were the porous creature's actions... turning him on? Shock shot up through the cephalopod's body. What was he doing, attempting to pleasure himself? He had Mr. Krabs to report to.

Squidward was just about the exit the cashier boat when he heard his name moaned again. It was an instant turn on. He whipped his head around to see a red-faced SpongeBob sliding the pickle out of his body. "Sponge!" the six-limbed creature whispered.

SpongeBob yelped, his heart pounding at the speed of light. He had been caught in the act. Quickly he scrambled to put on his clothing as Squidward came around the restaurant and swung open the kitchen door. "Squidward, no! I swear to Neptune I'll never do it again, I-"

"Quiet," Squidward whispered. He shut the door, got down on all fours (or rather sixes), and crawled toward the trembling invertebrate. The lustful octopus was sweating a bit, his blue face tinted pink. "SpongeBob, I can't believe I'm saying this but... Kiss me."

SpongeBob dropped the clothes that he had piled in his arms. "Come again?"

"Kiss me, dipshit!"

The yellow fellow raised an eyebrow at his coworker's strange behavior. "But Squidward, I thought you said you were against 'rainbow-worshipping fa-'"

"Forget what I said! Right now, all I care about it satisfaction, and you're the only one available to give it to me." The octopus playfully pushed SpongeBob into the wall opposite of his grill. He licked his lips lustfully.

This should have been a dream come true for SpongeBob. It really should have. But it felt nowhere near as gentle as it did in his dreams. Before he knew it he was sprawled out on the splintering, wooden floor, his lips colliding with Squidward's.

"Squid, please!" He sputtered, as he wasn't allowed much air between kisses. "Please stop this. It doesn't feel right," he admitted begrudgingly.

Squidward gripped his coworker's squishy, cubicle throat, causing the sponge to emit a squeak like that of a dog toy's. "Listen here, you lousy loofah!" He shoved a pointed tentacle in his face. "I've listened to you get off in the kitchen for far too long. There's no turning back, Robert." He bared vicious, yellowing teeth. "I'm just too aroused."

There was noticeable silence throughout the Krusty Krab, and then... -bloodcurdling screams filled the air! They came directly from the kitchen. Mr. Krabs swung open the door to his office as soon as he heard the disturbance and went to investigate.

The sight before his eyes was quite brutal. One could even say savage. His two faithful and hardworking employees were engaging in some rather lewd acts. However, Mr. SquarePants didn't look like he had volunteered to take part in them. _Then it clicked._ It was SpongeBob who had screamed.

"Mr. Squidward Tentacles!" the crustacean boomed as he started to lunge at the octopus. "Just what do ye think yer doin'?" He tackled the wild cephalopod from behind, pinching his tentacles in a vain attempt to free SpongeBob from his sticky grip.

The porous animal wrestled underneath Squidward's tight hold on him. He would later regret biting down harshly on his neighbor's arm to free himself, but it had to be done. With one sharp chomp of his two buck teeth, he drew blood from Squidward's soft flesh.

 _It worked!_

Squidward cried out in pain and retracted all of his tentacles. He whimpered, kneeling in the middle of the kitchen floor. Quickly and nervously he glanced up at SpongeBob who was quivering, only to look down again. He couldn't bare to face the shame, humiliation, teasing and ultimately trouble that would come from this day. Just days ago he had insulted a gay couple for holding hands. Squidward balled his fists, disgusted at himself. He had French kissed his annoying, yellow coworker.

 _He was a dirty hypocrite._

Squidward weakly got up and brushed his now stained shirt off. He looked down, his face instantly beaming red. He had thought he'd retracted every tentacle. Turns out he had forgotten his reproductive one. It flaunted out for both Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob to see. They tried to shield their eyes from disgraceful sight.

 _...10 minutes later..._

"Mister Squidward, SpongeBob," Mr. Krabs announced sternly as he led the now fully dressed men out of the kitchen and into the main room. "Next time, get a room."

The yellow fellow raised his hand high in the air. "But Mr. Krabs, that _was_ a room."

"A real room, boy-o! A hotel or somethin'. Your house! -I don't care. I just can't have you fuckin' around in the kitchen gettin' yer splish-splash all over me burgers."

Most, if not all of the customers instantly perked up, gagged, and left.

Mr. Krabs turned to face Squidward, his face serious. "That's coming out of your paycheck."

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed the read and had a good laugh. Again, I do not mean to offend. Also, if this is more along the lines of "M" fanfiction, please let me know and I will post it somewhere other than "SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots".**

 **My inspiration this time? Nothing, really. I had originally planned for a plot twist in the beginning but things quickly went south and I stuck with it. I thought I might keep you guys waiting too long if I didn't update soon, so chew on this story for a while.**

 **Readers, I advise you to check out my poll!**

 **Also, should I do an age reveal?**

 **Remember, we all are human and deserve equal treatment and love. Be who you are. Over and out!**


	4. Mouth-to-Mouth

**I bring a short story to you. Themes: Near-drowning situation, French kissing.**

* * *

A pale, yellow, cubical creature drifted onto the shore of Goo Lagoon. He was sputtering and gasping for breath. The gooey liquid of previously mentioned lagoon sprayed from his weakened pores.

Patrick immediately spotted his half-drowned friend. He screamed at the top of his lungs, panic among other adrenaline pumping emotions flooded his mind. Running as fast as he could, he stumbled over to SpongeBob who was slowly losing consciousness. He did what any amateur medical student would do: he attempted mouth-to-mouth CPR.

In mere seconds, the thought-to-be-dead sponge was responsive to the physical contact he felt upon his lips. He opened his eyes, his blue pupils sparkled against the rays of the shining sun. "P-Patrick, is that you?" SpongeBob asked, muffled under his friend's mouth.

The pink starfish gasped, his face becoming purple. He had given nearly all his single intake of breath to his friend. He took a few seconds to collect his words before replying. "Yeah, it's me. I thought you were dead! That kissing stuff actually brought you back to life."

SpongeBob tried to make sense of his near-death situation, but he was too inundated by Patrick's definition of CPR to care. _'Kissing stuff'_ , he had said only seconds ago. It triggered an idea suggesting unpredictable outcome in his head.

Patrick's eyes went wide when he felt his face get pulled by two yellow hands into a genuine kiss. Any curse words of surprise he may have muttered were silenced by the smooch he was currently apart of. In his kneeling position he leaned into SpongeBob's lips further, caressing his porous face between his chubby hands.

The square, yellow fellow slipped his tongue into Patrick's lips. He was daring to attempt such an act, but the worry soon left and was replaced by a feeling of intimacy that warmly hugged his heart when his friend returned the gesture. _'Should we even call ourselves friends any more? Are we lovers?'_ SpongeBob pondered, his face scrunching up in thought.

Right now he couldn't stress over the difference this kiss would make in both their live's. What he had to worry about is how far Patrick would take this newfound love for him on the public beach!

* * *

 **After watching "SpongeGuard on Duty" again, this idea sparked. There's not much to be said about my story. However, I will mention that I described Patrick as an** _ **"amateur medical student"**_ **because of his interest in doctor-work in certain episodes. I thought going to medical school would be a practcial pursuit for him.**

 **I just hope you enjoyed this non-explicit depiction of kissing.**

 **Tons** **of one-shots, coming up shortly!**


	5. Obesity, Oshmesity!

**JUST A QUICK HEAD'S UP:**

 **This is the UNEDITED version of this story. The edited version accidentally got replaced by another oneshot, "Overdose: Part 1", during an update mishap. I lost the edited document I had stored on this Fanfiction site because it had vanished over a lengthy time period. You will probably notice a lot of typos and sentences that need work. —Oh, and a significant lack of those beloved _italics!_...I'll get to fixing this chapter eventually.**

* * *

It wasn't your average day on Conch Street. Patrick gripped the yellow legs that protruded from the square trousers above him. His face was dragging through the white sand of Bikini Bottom as his best friend SpongeBob struggled to move said legs due to the tightness of the hold.

"Pat, buddy, you gotta let up on me." SpongeBob paused, observing the actions of his friend before speaking again. "This isn't like you at all." What SpongeBob was referring to was not the tears nor the excessive pulling on his legs. It was the reason for which the poor starfish did these things that bothered him. "So what if they called you fat? They're just bullies looking to make themselves feel better. If you ignore them, they'll realize that they cannot upset you easily."

"That's the problem, SpongeBob! They told me you'd say something like that. Th-that you were j-just lying to make me feel b-b-better." He let up on his grip, allowing his porous pal to move freely. "You're lucky, you skinny string bean."

SpongeBob watched as Patrick groveled and blubbered relentlessly. He frowned, at a loss for comforting words. It was true, his dearest friend was relatively pudgy, but how could the sponge say this in a non-offensive way?

"Obesity, oshmesity!"

The sea star immediately stopped wailing. "W-what did you say, Sponge?" he questioned, brushing himself off as he slowly stood up to face the cross sea sponge.

"What I meant was that you are overweight, Pat," SpongeBob explained, trying his hardest to avoid the freshly appalled glare of his pal. "You gorge yourself on food- particularly Krabby Patties-, as do I, but our bodies handle the food intake differently."

"In our society I'd be considered skinny, a weakling, and you, overweight and unhealthy," he continued, gesturing to the flow of his speech. "Everyone has been given degrading labels by society, and we must learn to appropriately deal with them. We either correct them or embrace them with pride!"

Patrick unballed his tight fists. He was beginning to understand what SpongeBob was getting at. "Uh, SpongeBob, I didn't really get everything you said, but I do believe you're trying to make me feel better about my weight?"

"You only are what you believe you are."

"Thanks, friend. So should I change my eating habits or-"

"Embrace them!" The yellow fellow drew Patrick in for a warm hug. "After all, this tummy is perfect for cuddling."

* * *

 **I LOVE REVIEWS**


	6. Urine Trouble

**Hey, all you people! (Sorry, just a Fred quote.) I haven't posted anything in quite some time, actually. All is well with me. Today I bring you a "pee story". I don't know, some people just like reading about characters using the bathroom. (I might be one of them, -but NO it is NOT a fetish!)**

 **Anyway, here's a heads up. During the story, SpongeBob will say "Nep-damned!" Now, I thought it would be a practical idea to shorten the word/name Neptune (their god) to "Nep". I could also easily see the creatures of Bikini Bottom using the term.**

 **Thanks, now read.**

* * *

SpongeBob grasped the hem of his trousers, tugging them down over his crossed knees in a hurry. His cheeks were rosy red, his teeth chewing at his lip frantically.

"C'mon, pants!"

He wrestled with the restricting garment, which blessed him in that it protected him from being deemed publicly nude, yet cursed him in that it made it difficult to relieve himself.

"... _Grr_! ... _Agh_!"

His belt tightened around his waist, squeezing his painfully taut abdomen. He gasped, feeling a trickle of urine drip onto his briefs.

"Gary, can you help me with these Nep[tune]-damned pants before I piss myself?"

A meow of affirmation followed.

The snail made his way into the bathroom where he saw SpongeBob struggling before his eyes. The sponge's face was twisted into an irritated frown, his hands fumbling with his belt as he cursed heavily under his breath.

"Oh, for Nep's sake, Gary! Quit staring, and help me out already," he snapped.

Gary slid up his owner's leg, until he reached the pants. He tugged furiously at the belt loops, ripping one, but nevertheless aiding SpongeBob is the midst of his desperation. The snag was big enough so that SpongeBob could slide a finger through the loops and pull out the belt.

"Freedom!" SpongeBob said, eyes wide and smile wider. With a swift yank, his pants kissed the floor, and the sponge was prepared to lift the toilet lid. Up went the lid and down went the briefs, slightly damp from the involuntary tinkle the pressure on his bladder had caused. He wrapped his hands around his genitals, aiming them towards the desired target.

"Thanks, Gare Bear, and sorry about the harsh language earlier. I was just a little upset, is all."

Gary replied with an accepting _meow_.

A stream of yellow (darker than SpongeBob's exterior) emitted from the creature's body. He stood at his toilet, his eyes rolling back into his head as his bladder felt the much needed relief it craved.

 _Drip, drip, drip..._

He pulled up his square bottoms, closed the lid, and flushed. A sigh escaped his lips as he turned to wash his hands.

"Well, for the rest of the day, I'll try not to be too _pissy_ , Gary." He laughed proudly at his distasteful sense of humor.

Gary rolled his eyes. " _Meow, m-meow._ "

" _Urine_ trouble, mister, if you don't show some respect for my jokes."

 _SpongeBob's bubbly laughter ensued._

* * *

 **I hope you all enjoyed the read, and don't forget to critize. Also, give me suggestions on what to write. I will write strong T fiction.**


	7. Overdose: Part 1

**Hello, dear readers! I have a jumble of unfinished SpongeBob stories, yet I decided to make a new one anyway. This will be my first multiple-part Funshot. Basically, it's about Squidward in denial over his Tylenol overdose. (I'm not very educated about overdoses, so I did minimal research, but some of the story's "medical specifics" are probably inaccurate.)**

 **Warning: The topic of overdose/suicide, the F-word, and a derogatory word used against homosexuals are either mentioned or are a reoccuring theme throughout the story.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own SpongeBob or it's characters. The rights go to their respective owners.**

* * *

Squidward awoke to meet a blur of yellow hovering above him. Upon blinking, he realized it was none other than SpongeBob, his coworker, neighbor, and admirer. The boy was stroking his face with a gentle hand.

"S-SpongeBob, quit it."

"I will when you promise not to touch those pills ever again."

"I can't make those k-kinda promises. —Now, get off of my bed!" He began coughing, a pain in his chest.

"So you _did_ overdose on Tylenol!"

"It wasn't an overdose," Squidward claimed defensively. "The Tylenol was merely too weak to overcome the migraine I had, and I fell asleep. _Case closed_!"

"Falling asleep requires you to throw up first? Really, Squid? Quit denying what happened."

"I'm telling you, it was the migraine that made me vomit!"

"Very likely," the sarcasm rolled off his tongue unexpectedly.

"Get up, NOW! —And take your sassy mouth with you."

"Like hell I will," he whispered, seconds later clasping his hand over his mouth in shock at his own words.

"What?!"

"Pardon my language." The concerned sponge ignored his neighbor's request and did not remove himself from the bed. Instead, he pulled out a scroll from his pant pocket and shoved it in Squidward's face. "Read this. It says right here that blue lips and fingers are two symptoms of an overdose."

Squidward grunted, unamused. "First of all, I'm always blue. Second, I don't necessarily have lips."

SpongeBob licked his own. "Let's test that theory, shall we?"

"Heh, I'd rather not."

"Aw, come on, Squiddy. A kiss will make it all better," he assured him.

"I'm not a fag."

"Why use such harsh language? I care about you."

"Look, I've made it clear plenty of times that I am not interested. Getting back to the original point, the scroll mentioned fingers, which in case you've been living in _La La Land_ all your life, I don't have."

"Where's La La Land?" SpongeBob lit up excitedly, missing the point. "Is it in the Pacific Ocean?"

" _Idiot_ ," he mumbled. Clearing his throat, he sternly asked, "When are you going to get the hell out of here?"

"I said, when you promise not to down any more over-the-counters."

"And I said I can't make promises like that."

"But why?" He set the scroll down on the bed beside him, leaning in towards Squidward's face.

The octopus sniffled. He didn't want to tell the poor boy the real reason why he ended up overdosing on Tylenol. "All I can tell you is, it wasn't because of a migraine—"

"—You attempted s-suicide, didn't you?"

"W-wow," Squidward stuttered, baffled and slightly impressed. "You're smarter than I thought."

"And you're dumber than I thought."

"H-hey, fuck you! ...H-how?"

The sponge just stared blankly, a deceiving look of pure innocence on his face. "Because Tylenol is an ineffective method."

"And how exactly would you know?"

The innocent face turned grave...

 _"I've tried."_

* * *

 **So, what's next? Plot twist, crime scene, emotional backstory, suicide? You decide. Give me some ideas!**

 **Peace out, and God loves you, and remember: suicide is not a joke!**

 **Talk to somebody if you plan to take your own life or are feeling suicidal. Search for a suicide hotline, which can be found online. You can call or text, whatever is more comfortable for you.**


	8. Bedroom

**I had some form of writer'** **s block for a little while, where I wrote a ton of stuff and just left it incomplete.** **Now I bring to you a story that tests Teen rating limits. I hope you'll appreciate the effort I put into the imagery. Also, personally, I dislike the ending. I pretty much didn't feel like writing this particular oneshot anymore and ended it abruptly.**

 **Warnings:**

 **Lewd Acts**

 **Sexual Themes**

* * *

Squidward breathed in the scent of SpongeBob's clothing; the aroma of Krabby Patties and feminine perfumes entered his nostrils. The sponge's outfit was stained in the juices of his labor, the labor of a workaholic with an appetite for fast food. Squidward inhaled the odor excitedly. _This is what heaven must smell like, right?_

SpongeBob felt the warmth of Squidward's light embrace around his small body. The breath that the other had exhaled struck SpongeBob in a sensitive spot where his neck should be. It tickled, making any microscopic hairs he had stand up like the appendage in his pants. The pressure against his undergarments was very uncomfortable, and he longed to be free of the irritation. Lucky for him, freedom was only a few minutes away.

The bed beneath the two creaked loudly, snapping them both out of their intoxicated stupor. The sheets beneath their bodies seemed to beckon them to get under, and the pillows presented themselves as a useful aid in their pleasurable play.

SpongeBob bit his lip, his two large teeth glimmering in the glow of the lava lamp. His ladylike eyelashes batted furiously. The high-pitched tone of his voice barely escaped his lips before Squidward shushed him. This moment was to be kept peaceful, and no sound, not even his own lover's voice, was to interrupt such atmosphere.

Squidward laid the lovestruck sponge down, gently placing his upper half atop a satin pillow. The softness of the bed accessory seemed to swallow his head greedily, prompting Squidward to prop SpongeBob up with a second pillow, this one thicker. Now clearly visible in the orange tainted light, SpongeBob smiled. The dimples in his cheeks were encircled by reddish glow, the freckles blending in with his blush.

For a few seconds, all they could do was stare at each other, Squidward sitting in awe facing SpongeBob, who was against the headboard. The younger of the two thought to break the silence once more, but he was hushed before he formed the first syllable. The older found he could be particular at times on how he wanted events to play out in the bedroom. He had taken note of his desire for dominance back in high school.

Squidward looked over his lover intensively, scanning his unique and mysterious body. The many pores were captivating to him, and he was unwilling to admit that he had many salacious questions concerning the complex orifices. His tentacles writhed eagerly at the thought of what he would do with SpongeBob on this night.

SpongeBob adored the attention. It's what he had always wanted from Squidward. The sponge was a needy little fellow, desiring admiration and appreciation to fuel his optimism. He never took advantage of the praise, either. He just accepted it willingly. Getting positive comments from usually negative people (Squidward, for blatant example) was a rare treat that SpongeBob truly appreciated. He was loving Squidward's recent "change of heart", per se, as it was the reason for his tolerance towards him.

The hot breath against his ear redirected SpongeBob's attention. _"Are you ready?"_ the nasally voice purred. A jar of butterflies was released in his stomach, as if the sensation was answering "yes". He watched as Squidward hastily unbuckled his cubical trousers, fooling with the loops at a desirous pace. The sponge placed his hand on his lover's shoulder to say, _"As ready as I'll ever be."_ That's when he felt his outfit yanked completely off, save for his briefs.

Squidward just smiled, hunched over SpongeBob with lust in his eyes. He watched the exposed sponge squirm beneath him, a desperate look plastered on his face. Squidward took in the sight of his lover, the innocence of the boy still seemingly intact; no doubt he was a virgin. _He was about to change that._

The octopus drew out a tentacle to knead at one of the many pores on SpongeBob's face. This produced a most arousing moan from the sponge. Each one of his pores were sensitive, and they sent waves of pleasure shooting through his body when played with. Throaty sounds of ecstasy continued to pour from SpongeBob's mouth like honey as Squidward's rubbed harder, this time attending to multiple pores at once.

The sponge's face contorted, the odd feeling causing him to twitch rapidly. He could not recall the last time he had felt such a way. He'd played with his pores before, sure, but not with so many at once, and never with such stamina. He watched as Squidward worked his upper tentacles on his pores, noticing when he had brought up one of his lower tentacles to tease him.

Squidward's breathing grew heavy, full of desire, and he discarded playing with SpongeBob's pores. Instead, he gently removed the boy's underwear and began fingering him, his focus on the one hole that mattered most: the anus. He pressed a suction cup to it, and when he pulled back, the sound that followed was one that was reminiscent of flatulence.

Laughter ensued a second later, making Squidward roll his eyes exasperated. "SpongeBob, it was not that funny." The sponge continued to guffaw despite this.

"Sorry, Squidward," he finally said, gasping for breath, "I couldn't help it." He flashed a guilty smile, his cheeks rosy red, then proposed they should continue the fun. He spread his legs wide, allowing Squidward more access to what he craved. SpongeBob gnawed on his lip to keep from squealing when he felt something wet slip inside his anus. Passion was in the air, a feeling of love encompassing the room.

Tongue met ass in a messy endeavor carried about by the two lovers, their sexual experience enhanced when Squidward decide upon performing 69. Ink among other juices were spewed during their play. While SpongeBob was stripped of his innocence, it was okay, for the reason behind the stripping itself made up for it.

All this would prompt one to ask, _"Whatever could have brought these two together?"_ But that is a novel, my friend, and this is merely a oneshot.

* * *

 **Let me know if this fic was too mature for the Teen rating. Also, be sure to get ready for more crazy fics to come!**


	9. Overdose: Part 2

**Well, I'm a day late for the 1st anniversary of my _SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots_ , but I had forgotten about the 20th anniversary of SpongeBob, too, so it's no surprise. Anyway, here's a haphazardly thrown together sort of flashback to Overdose Part 1 that I had lying around. Originally, these were two different stories, but I got lazy, and they somehow fit to correspond with each other. I just really needed to crank out something for the anniversary.**

 **Thank you, my dear readers, for enduring my weird stories.**

* * *

 _Earlier..._

"I g-gotta have more," the hoarse voice of none other than Squidward Tentacles stressed. He was frantically digging through his refrigerator, searching for a drink. Over the past few months he had turned to alcohol to help him cope with his severe depression. Sure, it wasn't healthy, but frankly the octopus didn't care about the state of his health anymore.

Packages containing food were strewn about the kitchen, spongeBob empty bottles everywhere. Curses slipped past Squidward's lips when he realized he had previously drank his entire supply of Signature Algae Wine. He was desperate for a sophisticated alcoholic beverage.

A tiny bottle of brand name Pressed Kelp Beer rolled out from underneath the kitchen table. "Thank Neptune!" Squidward said tiredly. He gripped the bottle cap with his left tentacle, his right rapped around the neck, and licked his chapped lips as the cap loosened and the bottle hissed like a snake, bubbles rising.

He guzzled the intoxicating liquid, the fizz making its presence known as it sent waves of tingling sensations down Squidward's parched throat. Within a minute, the bottle was empty.

An unexpected laugh escaped Squidward's lips. He was drunk and he knew it, but he denied it. "Thah laugh," Squidward observed, hiccuping twice, "ihwas very, very d-drunk. Funnithing is, I-I'm still sober."

A wave of nausea washed over him and he clutched his stomach, praying to Neptune he wouldn't have to experience regurgitation like he did the last time he got drunk. It would leave him feeling sickly all over.

"Ah, N-Neptune, don't... don't lemme gessick." The spinning in his head only made the feeling of nausea worse. He heaved, vomit catching in his throat. He couldn't bare the sight, the smell of vomit, so he swallowed. The taste would have to be endured for the time being, because Squidward knew there was no way he was going to reach the sink without drunkenly tripping over a glass bottle first.

The octopus's large head throbbed, the veins pulsating, sending waves of heat through his body. Sweat dotted his forehead. He slumped against the kitchen counter in defeat. He accepted that he was inebriated, and the symptoms were quite evidently present. And as his back slipped from against the counter wall, and his backside hit the shard-filled floor, he screamed.

Ink shot from Squidward's duct. It coated the floor and surrounded the atmosphere. Drunk, he breathed in the chemical, choking violently as he did so. Ink was not a pleasant thing to breathe.

 _Again, he screamed._

Shards of glass were digging into Squidward's backside. Blood trickled down from the cuts. The pain stung like the tears that were streaming down his face. The saltiness of the tears dripped into Squidward's agape mouth. He had passed out from the overwhelming drunkenness combined with the moderate blood loss.

Suddenly, the front door of Squidward's house flung open. It was SpongeBob.

"Hey Squid, I heard a scream! Everything... al..." He stopped. Squidward lay looking half dead on the kitchen floor.

SpongeBob gasped, overwhelmed with emotion. "Oh my fucking Neptune!" He ran over to caress Squidward's head. "P-pardon my language..." he added. "Now, Squid, if you can hear me, nod."

No response.

"Darn, he's out cold." SpongeBob ran a comforting hand over Squidward's pale face. "You probably can't hear me, but if you can, I'm letting you know that I'm about to run some bath water to get you cleaned up."

Then the caring neighbor noticed the puddle of blood staining his drunk coworker's buttocks. "Holy kelp." He looked around to see the broken bottles and rubbish surrounding him. "He's drunk like me on a Triple Berry Sunrise spree, only he's done a lot more damage."

Cringe tainted his face when he noticed the shards of glass that were puncturing Squidward's skin. "I have to clean that up," he said. A medical kit was hung on the kitchen wall in place; quite convenient. Upon opening the kit, however, to his dismay SpongeBob pulled out a stash of painkillers. For all SpongeBob knew, his neighbor could be overdosing as well.

* * *

 **I wrote this one back in the winter, and it had a crazy plot line that there was no way I was going to finish. Anyways, hope you liked this!**

 **Happy Anniversary to _SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots_! :)**

 **(I could've chose it a better name...)**


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